Recently, I spent 16 hours in the car with my daughter driving back to Seattle after the end of her sophomore year at a small liberal arts college in Southern California. What I learned took me by surprise. Car time is always the best time for conversation, and this one didn’t disappoint! I was shocked to hear that she had become acutely aware of all the ways her dream college fell short: problems with the administration, an athletic department that didn’t live up to her expectations, the beloved coach she hoped to play for who left for another school, a social life that she felt was much different than what had been advertised, good friends who were transferring for one reason or the other (in spite of the published 93% retention rate).
While I knew her first two years had many challenges, I thought they were of the ordinary kind experienced by most young adults. I was under the impression that she was very happy at her school of choice, and I was incredibly disappointed that her dream school had not lived up to her expectations in so many ways. The complaints continued until I asked, “are you telling me you want to transfer?” “No,” she laughed, “not at all.” Then she went on to explain how much she loved her classes, how fabulous her professors are, that she feels appropriately challenged and stimulated, how she has enjoyed many of the opportunities she has had, and that she feels good about what she has accomplished and how she has grown.
While playing her sport didn’t work out quite like we expected, and while she is more of a big-school, Colorado or Northwest type of gal, than a small school California gal, many of the reasons that she chose this school are still valid today. She knew going into it she made compromises. She’s a mountain girl at heart and dislikes the heat; whereas, decent skiing is five hours away from her school and the first month of the academic year often sees temperatures of 100 degrees in the shade. Because she gets energy from being surrounded by many different kinds of people, she would enjoy the social life of a big school, but that kind of environment isn’t best suited to her learning style. Her values are liberal, but she has chosen an environment where students are both liberal and conservative; however, she has appreciated listening and learning to other points of view. She has learned that bureaucracy is bureaucracy no matter where you are. And, that life always seems greener on the other side, even if she knows it’s not.
I reflect back on the conversations we had when she was a Junior and Senior in HS. Given the contrast in what she wanted socially and what she needed academically, and since she chose the academics and athletics/coaching above the location and social scene, she was well aware of the trade-offs. Two years in, I think she was a bit surprised by the harsh reality of these trade-offs.
Ultimately, I am relieved that back in High School she did a thorough search, seemed to confidently know her priorities, spent time reflecting on her values and goals, and committed Early Decision to her first choice college, knowing that there was no perfect school for her, but only a best-fit school for what was most important at that time in her life. It helps her reconcile what’s not perfect now.
Like most life journeys, both my kids’ college experiences have not been as expected. They have faced challenges that we could not have anticipated from guidebooks, visits, or from others’ recommendations. Rarely is there a perfect college. A perfect college experience is what the student makes of it. But, it’s a lot easier to make the most of the experience when you know what you are choosing and why you are choosing it. After that, all you can do is jump in with an open mind and prepare for the unexpected.